Introduction to the story of my past chapter of life

Never imagined my life at the age of 34 to be one of a divorced mother of two kids.  What I have been through these past 6 months is one of horror, betrayal, sadness, hurt, shock, anger, forgiveness and finally a new start with a new relationship.

Vision

Looking out into the future, there are so many uncertainties. Once thing my parents have taught me was to have vision: vision to be successful and see myself successful. Success comes in many forms. It could be making a lot of money to being an incredible parent  - perhaps both! Right now I want to get back into the career world I was doing before getting married - marketing, pr, advertising.  I feel like I put that all on the back burner once I got married. Apart of me was put on hold - as I started having children I feel a lot of my personality was covered up. Priorities changed and I focused on my family instead of my needs.

Now I have the opportunity to dive back into my career and into the passions I once had...this is the most freeing feeling I've had in a looonnnggg time....awwwww

End of a fairy tale marriage

These past several months have been the hardest of my life. It's no secret that my marriage to Josh will be ending in divorce come January 17th...which is in 3 days.... 7 years of marriages will end in 15 minutes at the divorce hearing. Extremely bittersweet in every sense. I was betrayed in the most horrendous way a person can hurt another. I could be angry and hate Josh for what he's done but am choosing to forgive. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can offer someone. That being said, I'm moving on with my life with confidence and faith that God will provide for all of my needs accourding to his riches and glory! Amen to that! Life is too short to waste on bitterness and hate. I have seen people thrive on being miserable. As a result,  their life has been pathetic and sad. I'm choosing to take the high road and make an incredible life for me and kids.

Photo Challenge Day 4: Something Green

LOVE my gardens but these spiders scare the crap outta me when I'm weeding!!!

Photo Challenge Day Three: Clouds

This picture was taken off our back deck as the moon was just coming out....very peaceful. This is my favorite time of day- just as the sun is setting and moon arises. The transition is so beautiful and peaceful. This is the time I usually in the summer water my gardens and really feel the most relaxed.  

Kids and the value of $$

Trying to teach my kids the value of money. The challenge is going into a store (doesn't matter which) and not have the kids demand they get 'something.' As a parent we realize how much we spend on those little things they beg for  - it all adds up to a heck of a lot of money at the end of the year! So tonight while at Walgreens, Preston begged and begged for this particular toy that cost $12. I said Christmas is coming up and that would make a great gift to add to his wish list. He threw an absolute fit. Then he went and threw a Star Wars toy in the cart and said I was buying it and that was that. I stopped and just counted to 3 - he took it out and put it back, as I was sturn yet collected. I have to come up with some sort of plan to have them save their own money and if they want something, they have to spend their own money. Maybe start an allowance? At same time I don't feel I have to pay my kids to help out around the house, I expect it.  But perhaps I'll create special projects they can earn extra cash on.... your thoughts?

This is what happiness is!

DAY 2 of photography challenge: What I am wore today:
(thanks Preston for your amazing photography skills <3 )


This is when I feel my sexiest: in my Rock Revival jeans and cowboy boots with my hair all dolled up with a touch of makeup :) I keep it simple and true to my character

So Preston cut off my head...you get the idea LOL

The 1001 Days Project

So along with my photo challenge, I have made a list of all the things I want to accomplish within 1001 days. Check out my goals:

http://dayzeroproject.com/user/super007

Life, love and the meaning of..

Ever love someone so deeply that it literally felt like their name was tattooed on your heart? Unconditional love means to passionately love someone so deeply that no matter what pain inflicted, forgiveness comes quickly and affection is immediate. Life is too short to waste on anger and hurt. Hurt is what binds our hearts into knots - to the point where it blinds love. I never want to go through life like that and I've promised myself bitterness would never enter my soul...for it spreads quick to the heart. All I know is how to love and live life passionately. Why wouldn't anyone want to go through life differently?

DAY 1 of Photography Challenge: Self Portrait

So stealing an idea from a friend, I am doing 'the photo' challenge. This should be fun!
So here is my self portrait from today:

Quote to ponder

‎"To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." C. S. Lewis

Just Venting

Just had someone tell me "to keep my chin up" after I told them (via text) that I was in a lot of pain. I want to tell them I can't always be cheery and happy go-lucky when I have pulsating pain going on. Feel kind of frustrated at this person who's seen me and know what I've been going through - and not even ask how they can help but just keeps telling me the same expression.... I know its not like me to feel this way and I know its the frustration of the pain. I'm not going to lie or put on a fake smile right now. I hurt. alot. and I hate feeling this way. Its a very alone feeling. I don't think a person should tell another to keep on smiling when they haven't been in your shoes. Just say'n, you know? All this person had go do is say was 'hey can I come by and water your gardens for you or help get prescriptions or what you need help with?!!' It's the little things that make all the difference. Hence why I appreciate my neighbors who are making dinners for us. Now *THAT* is what makes me smile!
I do appreciate and feel SO loved for those who have sent cards, flowers, goodies and well wishes - I don't want anyone to think I don't appreciate them! Those who have shown support - Oh I owe you!!

I'll get over it but at this moment just venting. Thanks for listening my dear friends. (sigh)

But Mom I *AM* a big girl!

Myla is absolutely adorable. She is convinced that after each meal, she has grown into a 'bigger girl!' awww She desperately wants to grow up despite my pleas to make her stay my baby girl! Today after eating breakfast, she stands up on the chair, and proclaims, "Look MOM! I'm bigger!!!" Her plate was clean from food as Myla's smile beamed with pride.

I LOVE being a Momma!

All it took was the love of one neighbor

Grateful how one person can really make a difference. One of our neighbors organized dinners to be brought to us for the next week and a half by other neighbors. Last night Teresa brought a very delicious lasagna dish and with fresh steamed broccoli from her garden. My heart is VERY touched with the compassion and generosity of those helping us out. Really its the simple things like that kind action that make all the difference in the world!! Thank you Teresa P. for showing me what compassion really means!!

I'm still in a lot of pain and on crutches. Making a good supper let alone shopping for groceries is a very difficult task right now. It is frustrating - I just want my life back. I will never take for granite what I never thought of before - the very act of walking, running, bending my knees, NO PAIN! Taking from this life lesson, I will take better care of my body. Life is a very precious thing and trust me, I will value it more coming out of the hell we've been through this past year and a half.

I feel bad for my husband Josh, who's enduring chronic kidney stones and coming out of a back surgery this past Spring AND dealing with a wife who's had 3 knee surgeries in a year plus being an amazing father to our babies! Not only is he working his butt off but also gearing back to finish his last year in school. I feel sometimes he gets left out of all the attention. I know how stressed it can be for him. Just trying to find ways to ease that for him, as its equally as frustrating for me as well.

This picture speaks for itself

The Loves of my Life

The night after my surgery = pure Hell

So my third knee surgery is complete. I would have to say it was the worst pain of life. At one point I seriously wanted to die because the pain was unbearable. After surgery was done, I stayed the night in the hospital so that I could manage my pain better. Oh man that was the exact opposite that had happened. After the leg epidural wore off, the intense throbbing and stabbing sensations in my knee increased to the point where I sobbed a cry that I have never heard myself do. My body was trying to compensate with this sudden trauma but couldn't withhold its intensity. My heart rate increased, my breaths grew fast, and all I remember is my pleading for God to help me. It was a desperation that was new to me, as I had never been in this amount of pain before. Panic struck my body and I had no control over what was going on. I begged the night nurse for relief, as the morphine shots weren't even touching the firey pain that was going on. Those shots only lasted 20 minutes before their effect wore off and I was back to square one. In the early morning hours I asked to be seen by a doctor as tears were streaming down my face. The nurse refused to call my surgeon and would not change my pain medication - the very ones that were not working. What set me off emotionally was when this nurse told me to 'just deal with it (the pain)' and to 'suck it up!' that is when I sobbed 'I need an ally! I need someone to believe me when I say how much pain I am in!' at that moment I went into a full blown panic attack. Here I was, in so much pain that it made natural child birth seem easy and I had no one to help me. I thought of dialing 911 - just to get someone's attention that I was flipping out and needed medical attention. How ironic is that? Here I am in a hospital room yet can't get proper care?!! Finally I asked for Loransipam - which is a medication to treat anxiety and panic attacks. I was shocked this uncompassionate nurse gave me what I asked for. After a double dose of that medicine, I did calm down. Too bad my pain was still there... I didn't sleep a wink that night for more than obvious reasons. Come 8 am when my surgeon came in and the ignorant nurse was long gone, I was so worn out that my lips just trembled. My doctor was very upset, more like outraged that this nurse was so incompetent that she misread his orders for my pain management plan. I was supposedto get 30 mg of extended release morphine tablets every 6 hours and 2 percocets every 3 hours. When he heard my ordeal, he grabbed my hand and apologized profusely. He promised that he would handle this nurse himself. Even the day shift nurses were in shock. I hope that bitch gets fired.

I was relieved to go home where I knew I was safe. Never in my wilds dreams did I think my worst fears would come out in a hospital room.

I can't sleep. Here it is 1 am and I lay here while my knee has a constant throb. It's that annoying kind of pain, where the more you ignore it, the more it lashes out at you. I do too much - I've been trying to ignore the fact I have pain and just go on my days at 100 miles per hour. With two young children who are adventurous, how can I slow down? I feel like if I stop I'm letting them down. I want to go out and run through the sprinklers with them, play chase or go on long walks. Sadly, I can't right now but I try. I'm paying for it right now. Just want my life back.

Catch up time!

Been a heck of a long time since I posted anything on here. Seems like as the kids got older, the more time they squeezed out of me. Preston is now 5 years old and Myla Mae will be 4 in August!! Where in the heck did time go? As I was cuddling with Preston this morning, I cherished every second, as I knew my little boy would get to a point where cuddling with mom would be 'uncool' or when he moves away from home, I won't get those daily hugs from him. Same goes with Myla - I know they both will grow up before I know it. Just want time to slow down a tad.
This past year and a half have been the most challenging in our lives. On March 4, 2010, I tore my ACL skiing. Had my ACL surgery on June 14, 2010 and my adrenal system crashed 2 weeks later. I spent this time last year in the hospital. The 4th of July was spent in a hospital bed. Doctors do not know why my adrenal system crashed - calling me a medical mystery. I went to the Mayo Clinic this past May because my Human Growth Hormone has been very high. Radiologists found a 2-3 mm tumor on my pituitary gland - hence my high levels. So now its a sit and wait game. Next MRI brain scan in 6 months.
I had my 2nd knee surgery in February 2011. It was just a scope to clean up debris and see why I was still in so much pain. Well my pain never went away after that surgery and it only got worse. It's to the point of me crying in agonizing pain if I don't keep up with the pain meds. MRI showed that I had several holes in my left knee cartilage that are exposing to the bone and nerve endings. So overtime I walk, I rub these nerve endings - this pain then generates down my shin and femur bones. OUCH!
So surgery #3 is on July 18th. I am having whats called an osteochondral allograft knee surgery. Basically the surgeon is filling my holes with stem cells and putting a layer of glue on top. I will be in a full leg cast for 6 weeks and on crutches...yeah SO NOT FUN but neither is this pain. I can endure 6 weeks if it means never having pain in this knee again. seriously.
So as you can tell, my life has been in somewhat turned upside down with chronic pain. BUT I have not let this define my life. So many times folks have something happen to them like me and that is all they talk about - like they glorify on their injury. Yeah I want nothing more than this whole thing to go away!!! Still smiling and praising God for blessing me and my family's life. We have been SO blessed and I am very proud of where we are today.
More posts to come - I promise!
Love, Ryan

25 Random Things about Moi

1. One of my guilty pleasures is to dip a spoon into the peanut butter jar and then sprinkle dark chocolate chips ontop..followed by a sip of wine....life is good after that!
2. I always secretly wanted to be a nurse but never followed that path in life.
3. I adore being a mom - something I've always wanted to be when I was a child. It's by far the most rewarding and challenging job.
4. My Best Friend is my husband, Josh. He truly is my soul mate, completing me in every way possible. I LOVE being married to him. He makes me smile each and every day.
5. I was the first female Honor Caddie at the Broadmoor Golf Resort in Colorado Springs - when I was 15 years old.
6. One of my only regrets is not studying abroad during college. I would LOVE to travel to Europe someday soon.
7. Never had a fear of mortality until i had kids. (I stole this idea from Cindy - but it's so true)
8. My parents lived in a haunted house in Colorado Springs - had plenty of ghostly encounters - felt like someone was always watching me...but being a ghost hunter would be a pretty cool job!
9. My favorite shows are: Nip/Tuck, Ghost Hunters, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy.
10. I have an obsession with chocolate.
11. My bad habit is picking at my nails.
12. I will admit...when I was 6 years old, watching Dukes of Hazzard - I was in love with Bo and Luke Duke. I seriously convinced myself I was going to marry one of them someday.
13. I love to bake - it's like therapy to me. When I was in 4th grade, my nick name was 'Cookie,' because I'd always bake cookies for the class.
14. I keep having dreams of my grandparents that just passed away - almost like a guilt of not getting a chance to say goodbye to them.
15. My first car was a 1981 Diesel Volkswagen Rabbit that smoked each and every time I started it...quite embarrassing to a 16 year old...
16. Las Vegas will always hold a dear and loving spot in my heart...it's where Josh and I got married
17. I hate bean soup. I rarely hate anything but when I was 5 years old, we had these babysitters who spanked me because I didn't eat their bean soup. From that moment on, even the smell of it makes me nauseous.
18. My favorite sounds - #1 my kids giggling #2 wine coming out of a bottle (you know that gurgling sound?)
19. I know how to ride a horse really well. I miss riding!
20. I almost died as an infant - am severely lactose intolerant - parents kept giving me milk and it wore down my immune system to the point where I was really sick. Thank God they figured out what was causing it! (still very lactose intolerant by the way)
21. My Brother-in-Law Pete not only taught me how to use a stick shift, but also married Josh and I - he's pretty much been there for most of my major life experiences (minus the child birthing)
22. I LOVE country music. I LOVE dancing to it.
23. I was never good at science and always was scared of it. Then in college I accidently signed up for the hardest biology class (meant for premed students) and ended up getting a 'B' in it. VERY proud moment.
24. My new favorite quote which I'll live by "Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile."
25. My happy place is where Josh and I went on our honeymoon - Kauai - where my fabulous Aunt Rose and Uncle Dave live. Truly paradise.

"Jesus loves you, I don't"

I am feeling MUCH better these days - (compared to my last post)
I have some in-laws (cousins) of Josh's to thank. It's one of those cases where I look at my life and then look at their low lives and immediately thank God for all that we has given us. Ok I'm not trying to be mean but these people (without going into the long story of it) basically came out, attacked me and calling me inappropriate names. Apparently they have had hard feelings against me from the day Josh and I came home to tell the family I was pregnant with Preston. Ok - I'll share the story.
So there we were.....
Josh's grandparents home (at the time we were stationed in Phoenix) to share our good news to Josh's family that we were expecting our first baby. During this time, Josh's younger cousin got pregnant out of wedlock. I was sitting there sharing our news and added that we conceived this baby a month AFTER our wedding and so it wasn't a bastard child. I had NO intention of insulting the cousin who was pregnant and not married...apparently she and her mother (and sisters) all took offense.
Over 3 1/2 years later......
I get this email from Josh's aunt blasting me from this one instance. I was like WHAT?!
During this time, the presidential elections were going on and a much heated debate was going between those cousins and aunt and us. They were for Obama and we were for McCain. Well we were mature enough to want to debate the issues at hand versus them - they flat out started attacking us. Thus the name calling from them had started and then the accusations continued.
Well the mentality of these people - well living in a small town, no higher education, never leaving this town - this is all they know and care to know. They don't have the best reputation in the area...
The only reason we have to see these people is for Josh's grandparents - who would be heartbroken if they knew we all despised each other.
I really didn't have much of a problem with them until the whole attacking me for no reason started - but looking at the whole situation makes me laugh. If this is the most power tripped they will ever have - well then that is sad.
Josh and I have accomplished so much and will not let these people bring us down.

Definitely NOT my better days

So the word and feeling of the day is gross.

If you are a fellow mother, you will understand this.

The past couple days have been busy - doing what mothers do best - take care of every one BUT themselves. I have not had the opportunity to shower in a day or two. Usually the kids will nap in unison at some point in the day - giving me some free time - but not so recently. Mornings are usually me getting kids up and at'em while Josh gets ready for work. When Josh gets home, I'm usually busy getting supper on, kids fed, cleaning up messes (well that's a nonstop, all day chore), giving kid's bath and ready for bed, picking up more messes, and trying to squeeze any amount of time with Josh. By that time, everyone is in bed or getting ready to - I'm exhausted. Did I mention I haven't had a full night sleep in 3 years? I'm so busy making sure every one else is taken care of that I tend to push my physical and emotional needs aside. Not that I choose to intentionally but feel forced to.

This morning, I woke up feeling utterly gross, unattractive and downright sad. Of course I got up with Myla and was trying to keep her happy. Then Josh comes out, showered, refreshed. I told him I needed a shower and haven't had one in days...he just looked at me with pure disgust and said "that's gross!" and he backed away from me like I had some sort of disease. I felt more attractive after giving birth than at this moment. All I want to do is cry. Am I getting uglier? I look our wedding photos, admiring what I once looked like, felt like. I want to be that person again. I want to be viberant, fun and outgoing. Where did that go??
How can I get back to that? That is my goal for this year. Now the hard part is finding the person I once was. Where do I start?

I just want to add (kind of like a disclaimer) :

I do want to add that Josh is a wonderful husband and father. He is not a bad guy or has no intentions of misdoing either. I feel like I am the one doing the harm on myself. I just need to find ways to dig myself out of this hole I dug myself into.

RIP my honorable and loving Grandpa

This morning my Grandpa Preston went home to be with the Lord. I got an email from my dad first thing and this is what it said -
"Dear all,
Grampa passed away this morning. The nurse who put him to bed last night said, "I will see you in the morning." He shook his head no, she then said, "you mean I won't see you in the morning?" He shook his head no once more. More details later....
Love,
Dad"

My heart aches because death of a loved one is never easy - no matter how much we prepare our minds for it. I'm happy because he is with grandma and in no pain. At the same time I am sad.
Love you grandpa! Miss you already!!

Life lesson #145

Take as many naps as possible, when possible! Sleep in not over-rated but a scientific fact that it pro-longs our life expectancy. Not only that, sleep helps reduce stress and makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over.
On that note, a MUCH needed afternoon snooze is awaiting me! zzzzzz