Photo Challenge Day 4: Something Green

LOVE my gardens but these spiders scare the crap outta me when I'm weeding!!!

Photo Challenge Day Three: Clouds

This picture was taken off our back deck as the moon was just coming out....very peaceful. This is my favorite time of day- just as the sun is setting and moon arises. The transition is so beautiful and peaceful. This is the time I usually in the summer water my gardens and really feel the most relaxed.  

Kids and the value of $$

Trying to teach my kids the value of money. The challenge is going into a store (doesn't matter which) and not have the kids demand they get 'something.' As a parent we realize how much we spend on those little things they beg for  - it all adds up to a heck of a lot of money at the end of the year! So tonight while at Walgreens, Preston begged and begged for this particular toy that cost $12. I said Christmas is coming up and that would make a great gift to add to his wish list. He threw an absolute fit. Then he went and threw a Star Wars toy in the cart and said I was buying it and that was that. I stopped and just counted to 3 - he took it out and put it back, as I was sturn yet collected. I have to come up with some sort of plan to have them save their own money and if they want something, they have to spend their own money. Maybe start an allowance? At same time I don't feel I have to pay my kids to help out around the house, I expect it.  But perhaps I'll create special projects they can earn extra cash on.... your thoughts?

This is what happiness is!

DAY 2 of photography challenge: What I am wore today:
(thanks Preston for your amazing photography skills <3 )


This is when I feel my sexiest: in my Rock Revival jeans and cowboy boots with my hair all dolled up with a touch of makeup :) I keep it simple and true to my character

So Preston cut off my head...you get the idea LOL

The 1001 Days Project

So along with my photo challenge, I have made a list of all the things I want to accomplish within 1001 days. Check out my goals:

http://dayzeroproject.com/user/super007

Life, love and the meaning of..

Ever love someone so deeply that it literally felt like their name was tattooed on your heart? Unconditional love means to passionately love someone so deeply that no matter what pain inflicted, forgiveness comes quickly and affection is immediate. Life is too short to waste on anger and hurt. Hurt is what binds our hearts into knots - to the point where it blinds love. I never want to go through life like that and I've promised myself bitterness would never enter my soul...for it spreads quick to the heart. All I know is how to love and live life passionately. Why wouldn't anyone want to go through life differently?

DAY 1 of Photography Challenge: Self Portrait

So stealing an idea from a friend, I am doing 'the photo' challenge. This should be fun!
So here is my self portrait from today:

Quote to ponder

‎"To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." C. S. Lewis

Just Venting

Just had someone tell me "to keep my chin up" after I told them (via text) that I was in a lot of pain. I want to tell them I can't always be cheery and happy go-lucky when I have pulsating pain going on. Feel kind of frustrated at this person who's seen me and know what I've been going through - and not even ask how they can help but just keeps telling me the same expression.... I know its not like me to feel this way and I know its the frustration of the pain. I'm not going to lie or put on a fake smile right now. I hurt. alot. and I hate feeling this way. Its a very alone feeling. I don't think a person should tell another to keep on smiling when they haven't been in your shoes. Just say'n, you know? All this person had go do is say was 'hey can I come by and water your gardens for you or help get prescriptions or what you need help with?!!' It's the little things that make all the difference. Hence why I appreciate my neighbors who are making dinners for us. Now *THAT* is what makes me smile!
I do appreciate and feel SO loved for those who have sent cards, flowers, goodies and well wishes - I don't want anyone to think I don't appreciate them! Those who have shown support - Oh I owe you!!

I'll get over it but at this moment just venting. Thanks for listening my dear friends. (sigh)

But Mom I *AM* a big girl!

Myla is absolutely adorable. She is convinced that after each meal, she has grown into a 'bigger girl!' awww She desperately wants to grow up despite my pleas to make her stay my baby girl! Today after eating breakfast, she stands up on the chair, and proclaims, "Look MOM! I'm bigger!!!" Her plate was clean from food as Myla's smile beamed with pride.

I LOVE being a Momma!

All it took was the love of one neighbor

Grateful how one person can really make a difference. One of our neighbors organized dinners to be brought to us for the next week and a half by other neighbors. Last night Teresa brought a very delicious lasagna dish and with fresh steamed broccoli from her garden. My heart is VERY touched with the compassion and generosity of those helping us out. Really its the simple things like that kind action that make all the difference in the world!! Thank you Teresa P. for showing me what compassion really means!!

I'm still in a lot of pain and on crutches. Making a good supper let alone shopping for groceries is a very difficult task right now. It is frustrating - I just want my life back. I will never take for granite what I never thought of before - the very act of walking, running, bending my knees, NO PAIN! Taking from this life lesson, I will take better care of my body. Life is a very precious thing and trust me, I will value it more coming out of the hell we've been through this past year and a half.

I feel bad for my husband Josh, who's enduring chronic kidney stones and coming out of a back surgery this past Spring AND dealing with a wife who's had 3 knee surgeries in a year plus being an amazing father to our babies! Not only is he working his butt off but also gearing back to finish his last year in school. I feel sometimes he gets left out of all the attention. I know how stressed it can be for him. Just trying to find ways to ease that for him, as its equally as frustrating for me as well.

This picture speaks for itself

The Loves of my Life

The night after my surgery = pure Hell

So my third knee surgery is complete. I would have to say it was the worst pain of life. At one point I seriously wanted to die because the pain was unbearable. After surgery was done, I stayed the night in the hospital so that I could manage my pain better. Oh man that was the exact opposite that had happened. After the leg epidural wore off, the intense throbbing and stabbing sensations in my knee increased to the point where I sobbed a cry that I have never heard myself do. My body was trying to compensate with this sudden trauma but couldn't withhold its intensity. My heart rate increased, my breaths grew fast, and all I remember is my pleading for God to help me. It was a desperation that was new to me, as I had never been in this amount of pain before. Panic struck my body and I had no control over what was going on. I begged the night nurse for relief, as the morphine shots weren't even touching the firey pain that was going on. Those shots only lasted 20 minutes before their effect wore off and I was back to square one. In the early morning hours I asked to be seen by a doctor as tears were streaming down my face. The nurse refused to call my surgeon and would not change my pain medication - the very ones that were not working. What set me off emotionally was when this nurse told me to 'just deal with it (the pain)' and to 'suck it up!' that is when I sobbed 'I need an ally! I need someone to believe me when I say how much pain I am in!' at that moment I went into a full blown panic attack. Here I was, in so much pain that it made natural child birth seem easy and I had no one to help me. I thought of dialing 911 - just to get someone's attention that I was flipping out and needed medical attention. How ironic is that? Here I am in a hospital room yet can't get proper care?!! Finally I asked for Loransipam - which is a medication to treat anxiety and panic attacks. I was shocked this uncompassionate nurse gave me what I asked for. After a double dose of that medicine, I did calm down. Too bad my pain was still there... I didn't sleep a wink that night for more than obvious reasons. Come 8 am when my surgeon came in and the ignorant nurse was long gone, I was so worn out that my lips just trembled. My doctor was very upset, more like outraged that this nurse was so incompetent that she misread his orders for my pain management plan. I was supposedto get 30 mg of extended release morphine tablets every 6 hours and 2 percocets every 3 hours. When he heard my ordeal, he grabbed my hand and apologized profusely. He promised that he would handle this nurse himself. Even the day shift nurses were in shock. I hope that bitch gets fired.

I was relieved to go home where I knew I was safe. Never in my wilds dreams did I think my worst fears would come out in a hospital room.

I can't sleep. Here it is 1 am and I lay here while my knee has a constant throb. It's that annoying kind of pain, where the more you ignore it, the more it lashes out at you. I do too much - I've been trying to ignore the fact I have pain and just go on my days at 100 miles per hour. With two young children who are adventurous, how can I slow down? I feel like if I stop I'm letting them down. I want to go out and run through the sprinklers with them, play chase or go on long walks. Sadly, I can't right now but I try. I'm paying for it right now. Just want my life back.

Catch up time!

Been a heck of a long time since I posted anything on here. Seems like as the kids got older, the more time they squeezed out of me. Preston is now 5 years old and Myla Mae will be 4 in August!! Where in the heck did time go? As I was cuddling with Preston this morning, I cherished every second, as I knew my little boy would get to a point where cuddling with mom would be 'uncool' or when he moves away from home, I won't get those daily hugs from him. Same goes with Myla - I know they both will grow up before I know it. Just want time to slow down a tad.
This past year and a half have been the most challenging in our lives. On March 4, 2010, I tore my ACL skiing. Had my ACL surgery on June 14, 2010 and my adrenal system crashed 2 weeks later. I spent this time last year in the hospital. The 4th of July was spent in a hospital bed. Doctors do not know why my adrenal system crashed - calling me a medical mystery. I went to the Mayo Clinic this past May because my Human Growth Hormone has been very high. Radiologists found a 2-3 mm tumor on my pituitary gland - hence my high levels. So now its a sit and wait game. Next MRI brain scan in 6 months.
I had my 2nd knee surgery in February 2011. It was just a scope to clean up debris and see why I was still in so much pain. Well my pain never went away after that surgery and it only got worse. It's to the point of me crying in agonizing pain if I don't keep up with the pain meds. MRI showed that I had several holes in my left knee cartilage that are exposing to the bone and nerve endings. So overtime I walk, I rub these nerve endings - this pain then generates down my shin and femur bones. OUCH!
So surgery #3 is on July 18th. I am having whats called an osteochondral allograft knee surgery. Basically the surgeon is filling my holes with stem cells and putting a layer of glue on top. I will be in a full leg cast for 6 weeks and on crutches...yeah SO NOT FUN but neither is this pain. I can endure 6 weeks if it means never having pain in this knee again. seriously.
So as you can tell, my life has been in somewhat turned upside down with chronic pain. BUT I have not let this define my life. So many times folks have something happen to them like me and that is all they talk about - like they glorify on their injury. Yeah I want nothing more than this whole thing to go away!!! Still smiling and praising God for blessing me and my family's life. We have been SO blessed and I am very proud of where we are today.
More posts to come - I promise!
Love, Ryan